Happy endings?

Forgive the lack of posts, but I am only now coming up for air from the class-5 white-water flood of carnal and epicurean delights that accompanied my wife’s ascendancy from a blog that no one reads, to a blog that a couple of people read.

Every milestone in the stats count was greeted with new wonders. 7k, 8k, 10k, 20k, 50k. Woo-hoo! Unfortunately, I only took pictures of the food ones.

Who knew the secrets to a happy marriage were so simple. I thought it was all about begging, cajoling, and guilting her into having sex with a poor, libidinally-starved man who pays all the bills, and really has very simple needs when you come right down to it. But now I know — that doesn’t work. The real secret, and I should’ve known this all along, is JUST FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE HER HAPPY! Whatever it is — gifts, flowers, compliments, children, credit cards, or even blog hits. Do whatever it takes.

But alas, success is just failure in a prettier dress. For once we surpassed our goal of 10,000 hits three fold, my wife insisted that we need to make money off this thing. After all, mahi mahi is not cheap. And neither are latex gloves.

Thus, the blissfully free wordpress.com site was transformed, seemingly overnight, into an advertiser-laden beast called “Best Parent Ever.” Money-making schemes greet viewers from all corners — from the overpriced t-shirts, to the Amazon Associate links, and Google Adsense boxes. The problem is, as many of you already know, “internet revenue” is a cruel joke perpetrated by Wall Street shylocks and IPO-puking financial freaks. There IS NO REVENUE! I think in three weeks, and about 50,000 page impressions, we’ve made about $1.87. This is why Google is so rich. And we’re not. I wish I thought of that business model.

And this is where The Blogspouse’s tale takes a turn for the worse. A few days ago, my wife informed me she had her period. I frowned, and asked: “So… when do you think it will, you know, be over?” She very clearly stated: “WHEN WE MAKE MORE THAN $1.87 IN GOOGLE ADS!”

So here I am again, hungry and alone, with nothing but my blog and my dreams of better days.

Thanking you in advance for your words of comfort and support.

5 Comments

Filed under life

Read My Wife’s Blog Or I Will Microwave My Own Head

head-long.jpg

Too late. I already pushed “start.” Hey, what’s that smell? Is someone cooking popcorn here? Oh wait… those are the blood vessels in the back of my throat popping.

You can stop this senseless abuse of a kitchen appliance — as well as a husband.

Read my wife’s blog: Stuff White Parents Like.

I can tell you one thing white parents DON’T like — cleaning up extra-crispy nose-hairs from the inside of a microwave.

As always, thanking you in advance…

— The Blogspouse

7 Comments

Filed under life

Someone read my wife’s blog and she made me scallops

For the most part, people still aren’t reading my wife’s blog.  But she did pass the 500 hit mark yesterday.  I know that’s not much compared to those blogs that get hundreds of thousands of hits every single day.  But it’s a milestone nonetheless, and she was very happy.  This meant, instead of scavenging crusty old Rubbermaid containers for morsels of leftovers last night, I was presented with a plate of scallops and pasta, seemingly smothered in garlic and butter.  The weird thing is: I’ve never seen her cook with so much butter before.  I don’t know why.  I like butter.  What was the special occasion?  It was then my wife explained her system of celebratory rewards to me…

500 blog hits – I get scallops and butter.

2000 blog hits — salmon and risotto in wine sauce

10,000 blog hits – a handjob.

Perhaps I could’ve struck a better deal with my wife.  Who knows?  Read her blog.  And I’ll let you know. It’s called Stuff White Parents Like.

As always, thanking you in advance…

— The Blogspouse

7 Comments

Filed under life

Procreation stinks!

familyslash2.jpg

That’s what I thought my wife should call her blog.  She wanted to write about annoying kids and annoying parents, and what better way to sum it all up then: “Procreation Stinks!”  But instead… she decided to jump on the “stuff white people like” bandwagon and call her blog “Stuff White PARENTS Like.”  Does that kind of thing really work?

Uh… did you NOT read the “No One Reads My Wife’s Blog” part of my title?

Really… this is all just about the numbers.  But can success in a blog, or success in a marriage for that matter, be really measured in numbers?  Well, yes, when the only number I see at the top of my conjugal dance card is a big old zero.  The fact is: I’m not getting any action until that blog sees some as well.

So please… before I reheat tonight’s can of soup for dinner, please help boost her numbers.  And my numbers too.  And when I say “numbers,” I’m not talking about my blog hits.

As always, please read my wife’s blog, because no one else is.  It’s “Stuff White Parents Like.” 

I thank you.  And so do my loins.

— The Blogspouse  

2 Comments

Filed under life, Uncategorized

No one reads my wife’s blog

I don’t understand why people write blogs, and I definitely don’t know why people read them.  All I know is my wife claims she is writing one.  I tend to believe her, since she thrusts her laptop in front of my face every few minutes and makes me read her posts. She says they’re supposed to be clever and insightful observations of her life as a parent. “Whatever!” I say.  “When’re we eating dinner?”

Now I’m scraping the crusty droppings out of a dish of discolored Rubbermaid.  And still no one’s reading my wife’s blog.  I tell her people don’t care about trenchant observations and sarcasm.  They want to see pictures of kittens in funny costumes, and knitting recipes.  What’s a “knitting recipe?”  Beats me.  But I’m sure it’s getting a lot more hits than my wife’s blog

Anyway, she’s on wordpress too at stuffwhiteparentslike.wordpress.com

Please read her blog.  I don’t know how to cook.

3 Comments

Filed under life